I was triggered today.
Someone I know on facebook, who has also journeyed through abuse, posted about Narcissism Awareness Day yesterday. I saw the post today and was reading the comments and one particular comment from a woman lit me up like a fire.
The comment was from a woman, a female counselor, who was "honeymooned" by my ex-husband during a 4 hour long counseling appointment just before we separated. If you're not sure what the term "honeymooned" means in relation to abuse, I suggest you look it up. The counselor's comment was commending the woman on how brave etc she's been. Truth. The woman has been immensely strong and brave and deserves to be seen and cheered on. What triggered me was that this counselor, who after her long appointment with my ex, knew I'd been raped by my husband (among many other things) but was so uneducated about narcissism and narcissistic abuse that she came into my home, with my ex (husband at the time), and tried to get me to "see reason". They were even texting each other during this "meeting" at my home and giving each other knowing looks and nods. They continued their texting afterwards, up to 60 texts a day at all hours, for quite a while (I knew from my phone bills).
That is the background...back to the comment.
So I read the comment and my heart started racing. I was angry. So so angry. I felt angry for myself and angry for the fact that there was a counselor out there that was so uneducated and also so damaging.
I was so angry I had to call my boyfriend. I said "please stop me from acting out of my emotions"...he asked me what happened, I explained, he heard me and gently coaxed me back to clarity. After validating my anger, he asked permission to speak into the situation. He offered the suggestion that perhaps this female counselor has been educating herself more about narcissism over the last couple years and may in fact regret how she handled the situation between my ex and I. And he's right, she may have done, and she may not have. Either way, it pointed to something in me. My lack of forgiveness to this counselor, and my lack of grace for where she is at in her journey.
How can I possibly expect grace for the jumble I make of my own journey, if I cannot extend grace to the journey of someone else. I have unknowingly contributed towards racism in my ignorance, towards exclusion in the church, towards so many things that I need forgiveness for, therefore first and foremost I must extend the hand of grace and forgiveness, in the same way I wish it for myself.
I want to chose the path of grace and forgiveness.
The last few lines of an old poem I wrote:
Close the door to bitter times
That sour the taste
Of whatever is fine
Walk the path where sweetness flows
Where the earth is fresh
And flowers grow
Let this place become a haven
Where peace will lead to restoration
