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The Old Tapes

Sitting in your own discomfort really ruddy sucks. I understand the purpose of allowing the discomfort to expose the areas in ourselves that need to be addressed and more than likely surrendered, but there is a fine line between sitting in the discomfort and letting it teach us, and becoming a victim to the discomfort and then allowing shame to take over and derail any process towards transformation.

I've been in a season where the learning curve has been very steep indeed. I've taken on a job training as a drywaller. It's the job in the Trades that every tradesmen (aside from drywallers of course) come in to your workspace and say "you're a drywaller, man I hate drywalling...". They hate it for a reason, it's an art that requires a hell of a lot of patience to learn, and a finesse that takes the most determined of mind to reach a satisfactory place in the profession. It's been a job that has literally pressed on and squeezed out my shame narratives. And yes, I say "narratives" because there are definitely a few shame scripts that are running a non-stop tape in my head and heart.

And thus, here I sit, in my discomfort, having to wrestle with the fact that I may actually "fail" as a drywaller. It might be something that is out of my scope, and just not in my area of strength. The shame scripting wants to tell me that I'm a failure. That if I can't make it as I drywaller, I can't make it as anything. It tells me that I should be able to do this, that I'm just not trying hard enough, that I'm clumsy, inadequate, slow, broken. That is what I hear when I let my discomfort turn to victim. That is the voice of my abuser. But that is not the truth about who I am. It is not the voice of Love.

The voice of Love encourages me to sit in my discomfort and asks me what it's teaching me about myself. It then invites me to hear what Christ has to say about me and what my discomfort has revealed. It's awkward and uncomfortable, but allowing my discomfort to expose the false scripts and then allow Christ to speak truth is worth the pain of the wrestle to get to freedom. It's a delicate balance, and it's also a choice. I have the choice to choose what to listen to; the voice of Love, or the old tapes; and let me tell you, the voice of Love is a lot kinder than those old ruddy tapes.

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