Today I realized that I’ve been working to stop the lies from being true; those dirty, rotten, insidious lies that I’ve been carrying around since childhood.
I’ve been angry inside. Some days the anger is hidden from myself, just off the radar, and other days it’s seething, boiling beneath the surface like hot lava. Today was one of those day - the lava days. I started out the day angry. I drove the kids to school and after I’d dropped them off I called my partner on my way home. He didn’t pick up, so I put on an Audible book hoping it would distract me. Two minutes later the phone in my truck rang and it was my partner. As we talked I started weeping in admittance to my anger, also knowing that it’s pointing towards grief.
I have so much grief, it's flooding in from so many directions. But I keep asking myself "why the anger?". Then, in the middle of my conversation with my partner I realized I was angry at the lies because I believed them to be true. I was grieving the lies because I believed them to be true. The lies have robbed me of so much life and I’ve been working hard to cover their tracks so that no one sees the lies, so that no one knows them in case they are true. I’ve shoved them down, hidden them, buried them to the point that my throat aches from keeping them down inside. But my body and spirit want the lies out, they are tired of the lies, angry at the lies. And so the war wages until the ache in my throat becomes almost unbearable. I want release, I want relief. I don’t want to live under the power of the lies.
I’ve come to realize that the anger, loss, sadness and betrayal I’ve felt are my soul grieving.
"When will you let go of these lies?" It weeps. And so I sit and I start to write out the lies. Then staring at the piece of paper with the lies written down, the Spirit within me whispers “lets look at those lies…”. As tears run down my face, I feel the compassionate presence of Love saying “Let's look, let's sit with these lies and see them for what they are”. Without rushing to erase the lies, we look, giving space to those words written on the white piece of paper, the words that have tormented me for decades. I don’t need to work to prove the words are wrong, the words are lies. What comes next? I’ve seen the lies, I’ve sat with the lies and examined them…now what? I ask Spirit “Now what?” I hear a voice from within say “We wash them away…we wash away the words etched onto the core of you, labeling you things that don’t belong on you.” And so I sit, eyes closed, legs crossed, hands frozen on my keyboard and imagine the gentle, loving hands of a God who sees my truest self; my self inside of Love; wiping off the marks, the graffiti, the layers upon layers of words etched onto me by myself and others; the lies. Those lies don’t belong, those lies are imposters.